


How To Not Say It

by Birdfluff



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-06 05:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6740104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birdfluff/pseuds/Birdfluff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saying a simple phrase shouldn't be difficult, yet doing or saying something else feels better and it's much more natural that does get their point across either way</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pull over.  Let me drive for awhile - Kazuhira/Ocelot

**Author's Note:**

> I had this sitting around for a while waiting to be edited so

Kaz hated this charade, every now and then, it always on a Saturday a man would show up at his apartment door and ask him to be his ride to and from a party. He would give the blonde directions, it was always a different place. How many friends did this moron have? He felt like he was being used in a way. This man was only an acquaintance, in the same apartment complex. Sure, they were dating the same man, John, but it seemed like neither of them bothered to go past formalities with each other. As long as John was happy, they didn't care or at least seem to. 

If John liked dating this Adam character, he was fine with it. What he wasn't fine with is that Adam chose him each time there was a social gathering. Why he couldn't find an actual friend of his to do that, Kaz has asked that on multiple occasions to only get the answer, “are you busy?”

His answer would be no, he was never truly busy with anything. Even when he did lie to get out of it, Adam would laugh and pull him out anyway.

Kaz was basically his guardian on when he should stop drinking as well as his chauffeur. He hated it but he couldn't bring it up to John. He has been wanting them to get to know each other for months. Kaz knew him alright, as the complete asshat he was.  
Usually, when Adam was in a drunken state, he becomes a lot more stubborn to anything anyone had to say, especially Kazuhira. It was like his tendency to choose the opposite to annoy him became his entire personality. After two more drinks, Adam would be talking to everyone and boasting about anything and have a death grip on Kaz. This time, though, he didn't have a lot to drink. All he had was a some shots of cherry vodka. He sat quietly on a sofa and partook in little to no conversation. Concerned throughout the night, the blonde had prodded him with questions about his health to which the Russian would reply with a shrug or just not respond.

As of now, Kaz was watching the tipsy Russian stumbling out of the house, waving his goodbyes to everyone inside.

He smiled dumbly at the blonde, “hey, why don't I drive?”

“You?”

“Yea.”

He hated his blunt answers, “why do you think I would let you drive? You're not sober.”

“You've seen me totally drunk, Blondie, this is nothing to me,” Adam's words slurred together as he fought to stand up straight.

“You are not coherent enough to drive.”

“Is that a challenge?”

Kazuhira gave it some thought. True, he would be at fault if he let an intoxicated person drive but when Kaz himself drove, Adam would try to 'playfully' distract him enough to earn himself a black eye. “Sure. What could go wrong?”

The Russian winced at his words, “And if I crash, I'll pay for it.”

This stunned the blonde. He stuttered a bit before getting anything out, “you...?”

“Yeah. My car.”

“...And if we die?”

“You can blame me.”

The blonde stared at him in bewilderment. From what he had seen, Adam was not the type of person when drunk, be suddenly kind. He was already acting weird when they first arrived but now... He cleared his throat, “who are you and what have you done with Adam?”

Adam just gave him a rather goofy smile and walked to the driver seat of the car without another word. Another thing that stuck him odd was the smiling. Adam was not exactly the smiley kind of person; he was more stoic, straight faced. Even when drunk he'd smile only a bit. Alcohol was alcohol, it should've have changed his personality that vastly.

“C'mon whippersnapper, I don't have all night!” Adam called out from the car before briefly honking the horn, making the blonde jump.

“You're two years older than me, asshat.” Kaz murmured as he hobbled to the passenger side, crutch in hand. He opened the door and carefully climbed inside, setting his crutch by the door.

“You comfy?”

The blonde eyed him suspiciously.

“I mean, are you hot? Cold? Do you want to air on?”

“Oh... no, I'm fine.”

“Okay!” Adam looked around his seat, “where are my keys?”

Kaz was about to follow his lead and look before seeing them in the ignition. He put a hand to his face to massage the bridge of his nose.

“What?”

“In the ignition, Adam...”

“...Oh! Silly me!”

He let his head hit the headrest, “so this is how I die.”

“We'll be fiiiiine. You worry too much,” the Russian started the engine.

“For good reason!”

Adam put the car in thankfully the correct gear and tapped the gas pedal, “I can drive just fine, Blondie, just you watch.”

“I fear that I won't be able to.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He wiped around and glared at his passenger.

“Eyes on the road you idiot!!”

He quickly obeyed and pushed on the break before they collided with a parked truck.

“... You distracted me.”

“ _I_ did that?! Was that me?” Adam flinched at how loud his voice steady rose, “clearly, you could have asked that dumb question without looking at me.”

He looked like a kicked puppy. The Russian gazed at him with big guilty eyes, “... I'm sorry.” 

The blonde's fury subdued to minor irritated sigh, “I'm not forgiving you, just, just go. Drive. And no radio. We're at enough risk as is.”

Adam obeyed silently as he managed to avoid all the other vehicles in the parking lot and get onto the road safely. To Kaz's surprise, the Russian drove well as if he was sober. He actually stopped at the red lights and stops signs. He didn't try to ask how, fearing that speaking to him would distract him away from his top priority of concentrating on the road.

Fives minutes had passed before it came to the blonde's immediate attention that the car was beginning to swerve. He looked over to see his driver almost asleep at the wheel.

“Adamska!”

This jarred him out of his trance and he stomped on the brakes, “What?! What is it?! What did I run over??”

“You are so fucking lucky no one was behind us.” Kaz growled as he unbuckled his seat belt, “put the car in park, I'm driving.”

“But you're--”

“I can drive fine with one leg, Adamska. You know I can.” He hated the fact at how amazed he was at first when he took the wheel of his car. Why even ask someone to drive who you don't completely trust? Kaz couldn't understand him.

The Russian flinched. “That's not what I was going to say...”

The sincerity in his voice hit him like bricks. Heat flushed throughout his face. He was thankful that it was dark enough and the dim road lights weren't enough to illuminate his features. “What then?”

He shook his head, “you looked tired, I thought you could use a break. You can drive.”

That took a lot less persuasion than he thought, not that he was complaining. And since when did Adam care about his well being? For now, he didn't care enough to ask. They switched seats. Kaz occasionally glanced over at Adam at the passenger side as he drove. He was frowning and fiddling with the hem of his jacket with his gaze down at his lap.

“Adam,” he accidentally spoke with a hint of disdain. He could see out of the corner of his eye that he winced again. “Sorry. What's wrong? You've been unlike yourself.”

“I know.”

“... Really?”

“Yes, I want to apologize to you.”

That's new.

“I've been rather forceful to you lately with all these gatherings that you don't want to go to and all. I'm really sorry. I've made you uncomfortable on numerous occasions just so I can have a good time.”

Was he actually hearing these words coming out of this sadistic brat right now? Was this the alcohol talking?

“I'm sorry. Maybe, I'll just walk home from now on or... something. Ride with someone else. I only wanted you to come with me to these is because I wanted to spend more time with you.”

...What?

Adam took his prolonged stunned silence as a negative answer, “you see, we have different hours to which we work and all that. I feel bad that I actually noticed since we work different jobs and everything. You always deny me when I try to invite you to things. And I know we're only acquaintances because of John and... I just want to know what he sees in you. I'm sorry that you keep seeing me as a drunk or... whatever I have no idea what you think of me. I've made a terrible impression... but I can promise you that I'm not like this with John.”

He stopped the car at a red light. Kaz couldn't look at him. Was he really that dense to his actions? He didn't bother with the formalities was because he didn't care. They were sharing a boyfriend and that was nothing new to him. He had done this multiple times in the past to know how to handle the other partner and usually they would do the same. This was incredibly different though. He had not had the other partner have interest in him too.

“And I get it if you don't want me to know you as well as John does. I get it. I've been awful to you and using you in a way that I feel really guilty for. And no, John didn't bring this up to me so we can have a talk. I... I'm really sorry, Kazuhira.”

He denied that his heart flipped at hearing his name flow off his tongue. The blonde took a hearty inhale and exhale. They sat in a stiff silence. What was he supposed to say to this?

The light changed and the car was set in motion once more, “... It's... I'm glad you apologized. Thank you.”

“You're... you're welcome.”

Kazuhira took another breath as he thought his next sentence through, “And... I... I wouldn't mind if, we did get to know each other, when you're sober.”

“Really?” The beatific sound in his voice surprised him.

“Yes, but don't make me regret it.”

“Is it a date then?”

“A date?!” What the fuck?

“Was that too forward? Sorry, um, I meant like, not a play date that's really different.”

Kaz really wanted to slap him over the head now.

“I mean like, coffee, get coffee together. Do you like coffee?”

“Sure.”

“Starbucks?”

“No, they never get my name right. Too loud. I hate dealing with kids.”

“Then I know a nicer coffee shop that I think you'd like!”

“How do you know I'll like it?”

There was hesitation in his voice, “well, it's a lot quieter than Starbucks and whenever I go there's never children. That and it's got like a built in tiny library. If you're into that.”

The blonde couldn't help to smile, “sure, you're driving me to it though.”

“Yes, of course! Um... when are you free?”

“Tuesday morning.”

“Tuesday morning,” Adam repeated thoughtfully, “I can work with that. Is eight okay?”

“Eight.”

“Neat. Okay... Thank you, Kaz. Can I call you Kaz?”

Goddamn it, he was blushing now. He hoped he was this sweet once he was sober, “yes.”

“Cool. Thank you.”

Kaz merely nodded and pulled into their apartment complex.

“Here are your keys,” the blonde cut the vehicle off and handed the keys to the Russian as they exited the car. He was smiling eagerly.

Adam was strolling to his part of the complex until he quickly whirled around, walking backwards as he called out to Kaz, “I'll see you Tuesday morning, I'll come by, uh. It's 75, right? Your door number?”

“Yes, it is.” He must be so excited that he forgot. That's... really cute. “I'll see you. Be careful!”

“I will!” He gave him a wave before turning back around and nearly falling onto the pavement at walking on his own feet. “I'm okay!”

“Jesus Christ..." He choked back his laughter, "are you sure you don't want help?”

“I'm okayyy! Bye bye, Kaaaaz!”

“Bye.” The Russian's smile was contagious. While he sauntered back to his room, he couldn't wipe it off his face.


	2. It reminded me of you - Snake/Ocelot

John removed the straw of his peanut butter smoothie from his mouth, “how are you liking it?”

“It's really good, although it could've been mixed a lot better. There's chunks of fruit that get in and clog the straw,” Adam shrugged, “lots of seeds.”

His felt his heart pang at the sight of John's frown, “should I find a different place?”

“No, no, it's fine. It's not the worse thing I've had, really. Besides I like the atmosphere, even if the blenders can be a bit aggravating” the Russian smiled sweetly at his boyfriend. He could see little cookie crumbs resting on his beard. “You got some, uh,” he pointed at his own chin as he withheld a laugh.

John blinked before registering the gesture and took a napkin to clean his chin hair. When he was finished, he looked to Adam again, “how's that?”

“Better. It was cute though. Could have add some flowers to it too.”

Briefly, the American smiled and shook his head at that. After a moment of a comfortable silence between them, John gave him a curious look, “how are you and Kaz doing?”

Adam shifted slightly, “oh, doing well, I hope.”

“You hope?”

“Yes,” he delayed his answer by sipping on his berry smoothie, “our coffee date went on fine and he's smiling at me more. I hope it's just for the reason I think it is.”

“That's adorable.”

“What is?” He asked slowly with narrowed eyes.

“You're acting the way you did with me.”

Heat crept onto his face, the Russian huffed, “I am not.”

“You're anxious.”

“Maybe a little.”

“You want his approval.”

“... Possibly.” He glared at his smirk, “don't.”

“Don't what?”

“You know what.”

“Do I?”

“Yes, John,” he growled through gritted teeth. “It's inappropriate.”

“I just want to help you two. Plus, Kaz has no idea how to ask anyone out to dates and you get too anxious. You were lucky you were too drunk to feel anxious.”

“I was anxious--!” Adam paused to pout at his cheeky grin. His head felt like it was on fire. For a while, the only sounds that could be heard was the blenders over the counter and chatting costumers.

John laced his fingers through his rough bleached hair, “you're cute.”

“So you keep telling me.”

“It's true. Speaking of...” he pulled out his smartphone from his pants pocket, “I have something for you.”

“More cat pictures?” He inquired with a hopeless sigh.

“Nope, it's a song.”

“Oh yea?”

“Yea, it reminded me of you.”

He sat up, “m-me?”

“Hold on,” he scrolled through his droid, “here it is.”

He handed him earbuds to which Adam slowly placed in his ears. John pressed play and to the Russain's surprise the song started with a soothing voice,

_Deep inside the heart of this troubled man_  
_There's an itty bitty boy tugging hard at your hand_  
_Born bitter as a lemon but you must understand_  
_That you've been bringing me joy_

_And I'll only lie when you don't want the truth_  
_I'm only frightened cause you finally gave me something to lose_  
_And it's as loud as a thunderclap and you hear it, too_  
_But you've been bringing me joy_

As the sweet relaxing tune played into his ears, Adam steadily retreated into his hands. It was so... pure. It was beyond what he was expecting, no, he wasn't expecting anything, but the meaning and gentle melody of the song caught him completely off guard.

“I was thinking it could be our song, what do you think?” He could hear his smile in his tone.

“I think you're a dork,” his muffled voice replied.

John giggled, “so are you.”

“It's... pretty good,” he had moved his hands up to shield his eyes from John's stare. “It does fit us.”

“Good... Can I see your face now?”

“No.”

“Aw.”


	3. Here, drink this.  You’ll feel better - Eli/Mantis

Tretij leaned against the mailbox, his legs and arms crossed. He had been waiting for Eli for at least five minutes now. He checked his phone once more. The message had been sent and seen. Where was he? He wasn't exactly wasting his time, in fact, getting a coffee wasn't time sensitive but the thought of it still made Tretij feel antsy. He didn't like eating in public.  
He combed his blazing unbrushed red hair and then loosened the straps of his surgical mask a little bit. He had nearly forgotten to put it on this time and had to run back home with a hand to his mouth. His facial cleft from his upper lip to through his right nostril was not a pretty sight to most people. From experience, he made it his responsibility to never leave home without shielding it from the outer world. He almost forgot today because of how comfortable he felt with Eli. Tretij had never personally showed him his birth defect but everyday the temptation grew from of how much he trusted him.

Hell, Eli has trusted him with a lot of things throughout their childhood to keep secret, why would this be different?

Finally, he heard the door creak open and slam shut behind the storming hormonal shirtless teenager. His jacket billowed behind him.

“Let's go!” he exclaimed with a hint of a British accent. Tretij found it adorable that it was an attempt that lasted from the beginning middle school to the senior year of high school to be suave. 'Girls like Brits right? Maybe if I have that accent, I'll get somewhere!' He didn't, in fact, he got teased for it. Eli almost stopped if it wasn't for the redhead who told him that he had grown to love it and said it suited him.

Tretij did not verbally respond and simply followed him, trying to keep up with his broad strides.

“I hate them.” That wasn't a new statement. “I don't care how old I am, I deserve the same amount of respect David and George have.” And neither was that. His accented voice carried on all the while they traversed through their usual pathway to their local indie coffee shop.

Tretij always intently listened to the blonde, although it was not out of pity. His friend every now and then deserved to have an ear to talk into when he could and that was often. Even when they entered the shop, he continued venting out his thoughts. He was the eldest out of his three brothers, he deserved much more than them, why doesn't he get special treatment, was he just the test child, it ventured on vividly.

The cashier gazed at the two with concern while making Eli's drink. She set the cappuccino down then gave Tretij his usual of a bottled water with a straw and a protein bar. He also payed of course, Eli never brought his wallet, or so he kept saying. The redhead trusted him.

After giving the correct amount of money to the cashier, he grabbed their food and tugged at Eli's jacket for him to follow. They sat at a booth across from each other. Tretij slid his drink over to his partner, who didn't seem to notice as he talked with wild gestures.

“—and David doesn't even live here anymore! He's off with his dumb suicidal nerd just so he can babysit him,” Eli scoffed, “and who the fuck knows what George is doing. He won't even let me into his room!”

Tretij continued to nod whenever it was necessary and to not say anything. He lifted his surgical mask up enough to insert the straw into his mouth. In the past, he had interjected once to correct him about this 'Hal' before, since Tretij and David had met a few times, but Eli swatted it away. If it wasn't a big part of his life, he did not care.  
The redhead at times wanted to slap him whenever he said really stupid insensitive things.

As he rambled on for another five minutes, he could see that Eli's drink was getting cold. He merely sighed at that as he carefully ate his snack. He waited to at least be yelled at for letting his drink become lukewarm; it wouldn't be the first time.

Suddenly, Eli stopped talking and glared down at the table. He snatched his drink and took a sip only to gag and slam it down on the table top, “goddamn it.”

He sank into his side of the booth, his hands on his face. Eli didn't shout at him that was a plus. After a few minutes of silence and Tretij finished his snack, the blonde showed no signs of calming down. Finally, the redhead stood up and advanced towards the counter. Eli caught him as he was leaving and peered his head out to watch him stand there and order what looked like to be another drink. Curious, the blonde stared with furrowed brows until Tretij came back with a colorful drink his hand and gave it to him as he sat down beside him this time.

“Drink it. You'll feel better.”

Eli gazed at him, nonplussed before eventually obeyed and took a sip from the straw. It was pumpkin flavored with hints of cinnamon. The stiff air instantly washed away as he drank from his latte.

When the drink was nearly half way down, Eli pulled himself away and sighed, “I'm... really sorry about that.”

Tretij blinked, his eyebrows raised.

“You know how it is, I'm sorry.” This was new. Momentarily, the redhead wanted to tease him about feeling ill, but this was entirely sweet and uncharacteristic gesture that he didn't want to ruin. “I shouldn't have raved on for that long. What have you been up to?”

Tretij hesitated to respond, “… Well, I've been painting more abstract lately, I really like that a lot. Letting it dry for now. I checked our game store today, they reduced the price on Earthbound and the guide since last time.”

“How much?”

“It's five hundred fifty now.”

His nose wrinkled as he scoffed, “That's barely a reduction. As if five dollars are going to change anything.”

“I know... I really don't want that asshat taking it. He's only going to sell it on eBay for a more expensive price.”

“But you have it on hold.”

“I do. But I haven't made a hundred this week.”

This was a personal goal he had told Eli not to get involved in and Eli made it known that he hated that. The blonde took another sip from his latte, “...How much do you got left?”

“Until midnight. I can't work extra hours either. I have to stay home for all the pets we have, feed them, wash them, all that.”

“How much have you given them again?”

“Two hundred.”

“...Tretij.” Was that pity in his voice? Wait, did he also just pronounce his name correctly?

The redhead's posture straightened as he gazed at him solemnly, “I know what you're thinking and I'm stopping you now.”

“Just this once?”

“No, you can't.” No matter how uncharacteristic and flattering it was.

“What are you going to do if that asshat buys it then?”

Tretij shrugged after thinking long about the question, "… Let it go? The manager will give me my money back, unless I buy something that's around two hundred from them. I won't though, it's not worth it."

His piercing gaze bored into him.

“Don't do what I think you're going to do.”

“What do you think I'm going to do?” Eli folded his arms.

"Buy it from him.”

“I hate you.”

“You hate that you're very readable. You're never subtle,” Tretij stated matter-of-factly, “you say what's on your mind and you don't shy away from a fight.”

“Thank you for stating those obvious facts,” the blonde spoke through his straw in between swigs.

“That's why I like being around you.”

He saw his stomach cave slightly at his words, as if he took his breath away, “… You really do like being around me?”

“Of course, if I wasn't why would I have stayed? Why would I start 'dating' you?” He smiled underneath his mask.

It was honestly John's and Adam's fault at that. The two had asked if they were dating since they have become inseparable for years and surprisingly Eli wordlessly agreed. Tretij hasn't made a comment about it since, although he thought it was endearing.

Eli's cheeks flushed up with a pink hue. Flustered, he zipped up his jacket to hide his bare chest, as if he was afraid his whole torso would turn pink in suit.

Tretij conked him gently with his noggin and exited the booth, gathering their trash, “you want to go anywhere else?”

“… No.”

The redhead threw their debris away, while Eli kept his latte in hand. Without another word, they left the coffee shop and walked back down the same road.

It was nice to hear Eli stay quiet for more than a second, but that bliss lasted for three minutes, “this was a shitty date.”

“I can't exactly agree with you.”

“...What do you mean?”

“I'm not sure what qualifies as a shitty date.”

“Well... when.. it's obvious someone isn't having a good time.”

“Were you not having a good time?”

“… No. Because you won't let me help you. You always do such wonderful things for me and I'm mad at myself that I can't reciprocate! It's a totally one sided date all the time, how do you even handle me? Why aren't you like everyone else?!”

His face felt uncomfortably warm. He took a moment to compose himself, “… I saw something in you they can't see.”

“And what's that?”

“Devotion.”

Eli snorted, “Everyone in my family has devotion.”

“Yes, but they can't see it in you. They see you as too obstreperous, they are afraid of you. When anyone looks at you they see an obnoxious up his own ass teenager who takes his father's money for his own and that's it. They don't take the time to see you as you truly are like I have. You are much more than a stereotypical rich kid, even if you do have your flaws.” Tretij waited for a snarky comeback that never arose, so he pressed on, “They also lack something you have. Which is devotion to yourself. As for your family it's always for a cause, for a person, for that one event, that junk. You... you... it's not like you don't care. I'm sure you do. But you make sure you know what to do first, how to see yourself straight, you know yourself. Your family doesn't know jackshit about their own persons. You do. I admire that. I admire that self esteem and confidence that people fear.”

The blonde stopped in his tracks and stared wide eyed at his companion. “You admire me?”

“Yes. I wish I could have your confidence.”

“What's stopping you? Is it the mask? You always wear it.”

Tretij flinched, “y-yes, it's the mask.”

“Maybe you should start wearing it less. You've told me it's to hide a birth defect, right? How disgusting can it be?”

“It is highly disgusting for most people to digest.”

“I'll be the judge of that. Show it to me then.”

Slowly, Tretij took in a breath and his hands to unhook the straps from behind his ears, “alright...”

He removed his mask and immediately Eli frowned at the sight, his eyebrows knitted. He leaned forward, “that's so... do you have to clean it?”

“Yes,” he replied awkwardly.

“Does it hurt when you touch it?”

“No.”

“Can I touch it?”

“...You can but be gentle.”

Gingerly, Eli ran his cold finger up and down either side of his facial cleft. “How far does it go up?”

“Not very.”

“... You need to put more chap stick on your lips.”

Tretij grunted and pushed his hand away from his face, “that's enough.”

“It's not that disgusting, you know.”

“Most people don't have your high tolerance,” the redhead quickly put his surgical mask back on. “I've had people gag and scream in front of me.”

“Why do you need to focus on what strangers think? That's going to impede on your lifestyle.”

“So I can live without being pointed at?”

He felt Eli grab his hand, “if you're with me, they won't be. I'll break their fingers.”

Never had he seen the blonde be so... affectionate, if that's the correct term for him? Tretij wanted to keep these moments close to his heart. “Thank you, Eli.”


	4. You can have half - Otacon/Solid Snake

Hearing a loud clang and a muffled shriek from within the kitchen, David shot up from his bed with his heart racing as his eyes darted around the room. He knew it was Hal instantly, but that didn't help him feel any calmer. After easing his confused mind down with deep breathes, he sat there listening intently to any more thuds or clanks. His anxiety egged him that his boyfriend had been shot, but he quickly shoved that aside. Any guns that were in the house were blanks. He didn't want to chance anything after the battles he had been through while he was in the army. He let five minutes pass, until he hauled himself out of his bed and trudged into the kitchen. The smell of bread and chocolate waffed through the air, was he baking something? He found his boyfriend at the small dining table with headphones on and his laptop... was he eating cake? Did he make a cake? That would explain the smell, but that would mean he actually went out for ingredients. Eventually, David shook himself out of his confusion and studied his nerd, who had tears falling from his face, no doubt making that cake taste salty. Slowly, he stepped towards him.

“Hal. Hal.” Getting no reaction, he tried again and leaned closer to his headphones, “Otacon.”

Otacon jumped an inch out of his chair and gazed over at David with huge eyes, grabbing onto his chair and the table as if he were about to fall. Once he recognized the intruder, his panic sadly did not cease, “yo-you're awake! Did I wake you up?”

“Yeah, you did.” He sat himself down on the chair beside him, “you made a cake. What's wrong?”

Hal eyed him then turned his attention back to his monitor that showed baby animal videos and calmed down slightly. He sniffled, “… Everything.”

“Who died in your anime? What was it again? Dongum Ranpo?”

“Dangan Rompa. And I'm not watching that right now. It's not about an anime...”

David gazed at him, anticipating an explanation. He finally got one after ten minutes.

“Dave,” he spoke with hesitation, “do you think I'm bad luck?”

“I don't believe in luck”

“Let me rephrase that then. Do you think I'm a terrible person to be around?” He quickly held up his hand when David opened his mouth, “let me finish; I've done nothing but make things worse, with what I say, what I do, everything. An-and I have terrible things happen to me all the time; it's like I'm a walking... a.. walking house plant! I'm taking up space no matter where I move! I'm a mess...” there was a drawn out stillness between them. David watched sobbing Otacon leave the table momentarily to grab another fork and hand it to him, “here, you can have some.”

He waited for an explanation but there was none and nor did he prod one out. He took the fork and ate the chocolate iced cake with his boyfriend in silence which lasted for quite a while.

“Do.. do you keep me because.. you pity me?” Hal finally inquired with a fearful gaze.

“No.”

“Why then?”

“Because I like you.”

“But why? I'm a burden.”

“You're not to me.”

“Then what am I to you?”

David felt a certain warmness flow throughout his body. He took in a breath. It's the otaku's anxiety and depression talking, the soldier knew him too well. The poor thing must have had a bad episode while he was asleep. “Hal.”

Otacon stared at him with knitted eyebrows.

“You're Hal to me.”

His eyes narrowed at that reply, “now is not the time to joke around, Dave”

“I wasn't joking.”

“… What.. what is that supposed to mean then? You of all people should want me dead. You shouldn't have stopped me. I'm nothing, Dave! I'm dirt!" his voice grew increasingly loud and shaky, "What does anyone want with a fucking depressive little..shit?? Like me?! Have I manipulated you in some way to get you to like me?! What have I done to you?” Hal breathed shallowly after his short rant, gawking at the soldier.

Slowly, David put his own hand on top of his, speaking in a low calm tone, “I don't mind cleaning up your messes because I don't see them as something to put on my shoulder, like it's my responsibility. I do that because I want to. I asked you to be my boyfriend because you're Hal. We're committed and we stand together no matter what. I left because I wanted to help you and you to do the same with me.”

“But why?”

“I care about you.”

“Why?” Otacon questioned, with his mouth full of cake, “is it because you pity me?”

“I pity you because you have such low self esteem. I want to help you fix that. I've signed you up to see a therapist earlier today. You're going to see him this Monday. We can get through this.” David put a hand to the back of Hal's head and leaned into his lips. They tasted so sweet and sugary if not a little salty from the tears. His hand traveled through his long thick hair then to his face to wipe his tears. Eventually, they parted and Otacon stared at him through tear stained eyes. He looked relieved.

“I don't deserve you." He trembled, "I don't deserve to live.”

“No one deserves a lot of things but they still get them. Right?”

“R-right.”

“And there are a lot of dumb reasons people think of to continue moving on, right?”

“Ye-ss.”

Hesitantly, he clasped his hand again, “What are you looking forward to then?”

Hal shakily inhaled, “Zelda U... Pokemon Sun and Moon. Um... I still have hope for P.T. I want to take care of the huskies... I... I want to be with you longer.”

David smiled, “I do too. Are you happy that you have me?”

“Y-e-s...”

“Good. I'm happy to have you too.”

Suddenly Hal left from his seat and sat on his lap, sobbing into his shoulder with his arms around him. David was used to this kind of contact now, but it still put him off guard at times. He rubbed and patted his boyfriend's back.

“You're going to get help, Hal. I'll help you through it too. You'll be fine. You'll do just fine. Okay?” He planted a kiss onto his head.


End file.
